


Axe Murderer

by angryelftwink



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Gen, Modern AU, Other, Renarin is a stinky boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21578704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryelftwink/pseuds/angryelftwink
Summary: Renarin torments his brother with a canister of Axe.
Relationships: Adolin Kholin & Renarin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Adolin Kholin, implied Renarin Kholin/ambiguous bridgemen?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Axe Murderer

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to Pachimew for a lot of good suggestions

There was a canister of Axe somewhere—probably not in the house—and Adolin was going to find it.

Renarin was a nefarious bastard sometimes. Oh, ninety percent of the time he was fine, choosing less obnoxious ways to somehow manage masculine posturing (and listening to Adolin when it came to deodorant).

And then, there was the Axe.

It had been a while now since Renarin had done it. Always that lopsided grin betraying him even before he came in scent range— and it didn’t take him long to get in scent range.

Adolin had seriously begun to consider getting a fainting couch just for the purpose.

He usually looked for the Axe right after one of the incidents, and that, he thought, was his mistake. Clearly, Renarin would guard the garbage all the more preciously. It would help to lay low.

Now it was time to strike.

“Who is it?” Kaladin managed to project sullenness even through the phone.

“How can you not know who it is?” Adolin glanced through a bathroom cabinet, just in case.

“Could be your brother. Your girlfriend. Lopen.”

“Wait, why would Lopen have my phone?”

Blunt eyeliners, prescriptions, painkillers— Almighty, Renarin, change your toothbrush.

“If you have to ask that,” said Kaladin, “he’d do it.”

“My brother is a slob,” Adolin muttered. He adjusted the phone against his ear. “Look, Kal, you know that thing Renarin does to annoy me?”

A pause. “His entire life?”

Adolin took a very deep breath. “He wears Axe.”

Kaladin paused in turn. “The stuff that makes him smell like Amaram?”

“YES!” Adolin shut the bathroom cabinet. “He bought it once because he was young and stupid and I quickly taught him better and threw it out— except I guess he bought another just to annoy me, and he’s hiding it somewhere.”

“Why would _I_ have it?”

Good point. You didn’t leave _chemical weaponry_ with someone you had a crush on.

Kaladin sighed. “Lopen might be holding onto it. Sounds like his sort of thing.”

“Good lead. His bathroom’s clear.”

“You’re… snooping in your brother’s bathroom?”

“He has _Axe_ ,” Adolin whined.

There was a snort through the phone. “You have… that perfume stuff.”

“It’s cologne.”

“No, that one perfume stuff.”

“Potpourri?”

“The expensive one.”

“Still cologne!” Adolin stepped into the hallway and sighed. “And my cologne smells _good_.”

“Tell it to the migraine, quarterback.” Kaladin snorted. “Look, apparently Rock wants me to do this thing called ‘eat food’ today, so entertaining as this is, I’ll need you to update me later.”

“It’s not a microwave dinner, is it?” Adolin demanded.

No answer.  
“Kal, tell me it’s _not_ a microwave dinner.”

“I’m going to cook it on the stove.”

“A microwave dinner!?”

“Ramen.”

Adolin took a deep breath. “I’m ordering you food later. Bye, Kal.”

“Wait, no—”

Adolin hung up. With another sigh, he leaned against the wall and scrolled through unimportant notifications.

 _Hey,_ he texted to Lopen, _got a question._

While trying to figure out if he should order Kaladin a poke bowl or a pizza, Lopen replied _y gancho_  
  


_What do u know abt Axe_

_  
lqd dudebro_

_Did my bro give you some_

_wat  
like head ?_

_EW_  
_EW EW EW_  
_EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW_

_Lol_  
_😂_  
_🍆_

_🤮_  
_trying to hold an intervention!!!_  
_He keeps wearing it_  
_To annoy me_  
_Lopen_  
_Lopen you have it don’t you_

_nah_  
_not anymre_  
_he mvd it_

_fuck u_

Adolin shoved his phone in his pocket and stared up. Well, Kaladin had the right idea— a little too late, and at what cost?

 _Ew._ And come on— Renarin could do way better than _Lopen._ (Which might be exactly why he would and Adolin stopped himself from thinking any further.)

To be a good hiding place, someone would have to be willing to participate and reliable. And, Adolin reflected, good at keeping their mouths shut. That was probably why he’d moved it away from Lopen.

His phone buzzed and he ignored it. It probably wasn’t that important— for one, Shallan would text him repeatedly until he paid attention to her and—

_Shallan._

Of course! If anyone could get to the bottom of this, it was Shallan. Adolin pulled his phone out again—

And Lopen had texted back _ur bro sure did lol_.

Double ew.

 _🖕_ , and he quickly moved over to Shallan ( _The Babe_ _💖_ ).

_hey!!!!!_

_yes my darling boyfriend?_

_Need you to get some dirt on the baby bro_

_trying to figure out if he and any of those biker kids are ACTUALLY dating again?_  
  
  


_nah_  
_Well yes but_  
_Look Shall_  
_I need you to find my bro’s axe_

_HE GOT AN AXE?????_

_WRONG AXE_

_I WANT AN AXE_  
  
  


_W R O N G A X E_

_I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME AN AXE_

_a small one._  
_look he used to stash it with Lopen but apparently it’s moved on_  
_I need you to find out where he put it_

  
  
_his axe?_

_the deodorant!  
so-called_

_ohhhhh  
;)_

_so you’ll find it for me?_

_ya  
if you give me a weapon axe_

_Where am I gonna find a weapon axe Shall_

_e t s y  
now shush I have work to do_

Etsy. Shallan’s answer to everything. Adolin shook his head with a smile. Well, it probably wasn’t legal to mail axes, but hey, it was Etsy— maybe she’d be satisfied with some earrings?

(That was Adolin’s answer to everything.)

~

“Whatcha doing?”

Renarin draped himself over his brother’s shoulder as Adolin sat at the kitchen table, staring at his laptop.

“Which of these do you think complements Shallan’s hair better?” Adolin flipped between screens.

Etsy had a _lot_ of axe earrings.

“I don’t think either of them compliment her. Jewelry can’t talk. Unless you got her a charm bracelet that said SHALLAN IS PRETTY.”

“She’d honestly like that.” Adolin sniffed, even though he knew by now he’d know if _it_ had been used.

He’d stolen some of Adolin’s cologne. Tastefully applied, even.

Adolin turned around to see that Renarin had also styled his hair, put on a belt that _didn’t_ come from Hot Topic, and worn jeans without holes.

“Who is he?”

“I’m entering an impressions contest,” Renarin said, folding his arms. “I’m thinking of going as you. What do you think?”

“Missing that certain _je nais c’est quoi_.” Adolin tossed his hair exaggeratedly. “Hey, though, Ren?”

“Yeah?” Renarin pulled up a chair next to Adolin.

“If you _were_ sleeping with someone, you’d tell me, right?”

Renarin blushed slightly. “Uh.”

“Ren.” Oh Almighty _oh Almighty_ —

“I’ll talk to you first, yeah,” he mumbled.

Adolin let out a long breath. “Sorry. I know it’s—”

“Even though I _know_ you won’t have _any_ advice—”

He lunged forward to tickle his brother. “Little shit!”

Renarin giggled and squirmed backward. “Lopen making jokes to you?”

“How’d you know?”

“He keeps telling _me_ he’s sleeping with _you_ , idiot.” Renarin grinned. “Anyway, so _Kaladin_ told me—”

“Oh, _Kaladin_ , huh?” Adolin raised his eyebrows.

Renarin rolled his eyes. “About how you’re _looking for something_?”

“Tell me where it is and I will accept your surrender graciously.”

Renarin stood. “I’ll tell you where you’ll find it. Right… under… your… nose.”

He strode away smugly, ignoring Adolin’s pouts.

“And you didn’t even tell me if you think the silver or the bronze!” he called.

“Silver!” Renarin yelled from the doorway.

Silver. All right. There were about three kinds of silver— how hard could it be to decide?

Ten minutes later, as Adolin was still deciding, the door opened.

“Hey, handsome.”

“Shallan!”

He slammed the laptop shut as he turned his head, smiling and desperately hoping she’d found it—

And then he caught a whiff. An unmistakable whiff.

“Shallan,” Adolin repeated, standing up and starting to back away. With a predatory grin, she approached. “It was _you_?”

Shallan cackled and rushed towards him, absolutely reeking of Axe.


End file.
